she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
