You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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