i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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