Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
