Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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