Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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