i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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