I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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