Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
