If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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