Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
