ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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