Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
