one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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