I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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