if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
