I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize