im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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