I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
