Umm I'm too high to move.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
