Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
