His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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