Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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