just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
