i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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