My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
