so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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