Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
