My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i was born a porn star she said
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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