Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
