just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
ugly people sure do ruin things
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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