We won't sleep together?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
