It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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