the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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