i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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