he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
