when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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