i just had sex bonerless
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
