you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
