I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
