When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
