I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
