My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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