this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
