im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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