I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
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