Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
