He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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