Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
