well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
