There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
