Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
