just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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