I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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