i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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