Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
