things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
