grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
