Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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