Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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