Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
