Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
is wine microwaveable?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
