final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
