HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I need water and some morals
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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